WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold step toward what party leaders are calling “linguistic inclusivity,” congressional Democrats have introduced a proposal to officially rename all “ballrooms” in federal buildings to “ovary rooms.”
The “Gendered Architecture Reform Act,” spearheaded by Rep. Alexandria Ova-Cortez (D-NY), claims the traditional term “ballroom” unfairly centers one set of reproductive anatomy.
“For centuries, Americans have danced under chandeliers in rooms named after testicles,” Ova-Cortez said in a press conference. “It’s time to let other organs have their moment.”
The proposed legislation includes a $4.2 billion federal grant to help hotels and event venues across the country update their signage, menus, and embroidered towels. The Waldorf Astoria has already announced its newly christened “Grand Ovary Hall,” featuring pastel drapery and mood lighting “that encourages emotional openness and reproductive justice.”
Republicans have largely mocked the proposal, calling it “political correctness gone fetal.” Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) remarked, “Next thing you know, they’ll rename the Pentagon the Hexagon of Feelings.”
The White House has yet to issue an official statement, but an anonymous source confirmed that the President has been advised not to joke about “having a ball” ever again.
Meanwhile, the National Association of Wedding DJs expressed cautious optimism. “Honestly,” one DJ said, “as long as people keep dancing and tipping, they can call it the Spleen Room for all I care.”
PALM BEACH, FL — Chaos erupted at Mar-a-Lago yesterday after former President Donald Trump reportedly learned he was included in a newly released section of the so-called “Epstein Files,” specifically a subsection titled “Totally Innocent Bystanders Who Still Made Things Weird.”
The entry—filed alphabetically between “Eccentric Millionaires” and “Elvis Conspiracy Theorists”—allegedly included a doodle of a stick figure with an oversized red tie and the note: “Talked loudly. Brought snacks. Probably harmless.”
Trump immediately released a statement:
“I’ve seen the files. Everyone’s seen the files. And my section says ‘harmless’—which my lawyers tell me is very, very good. Better than anyone else’s, actually. People are calling it the best innocence they’ve ever seen.”
According to anonymous insiders, Trump became enraged not by the implication, but by the fact that he was listed in 12-point font instead of bold 48-point “presidential” font, which he reportedly demands for all official documents, including Taco Bell receipts.
The Mar-a-Lago staff member who brought him the news said:
“He asked if he could ‘upgrade his ranking’ in the files. I told him they’re not Yelp.”
Political analysts note that the fictional documents paint Trump as a “peripheral presence who kept asking where the cameras were,” and include a quote attributed to him: ‘Is this place good for golf or not?’
Trump has since vowed to conduct a “full investigation,” which sources say mainly involves pacing around a room dramatically while carrying an unplugged flashlight.
The other names listed in the “Totally Innocent Bystanders” section declined to comment, though one issued a statement reading simply: “Please… please stop calling us.”
As of press time, Trump was reportedly demanding that the next release of files include a “much more flattering picture,” preferably one “with a better chin and an eagle landing on my shoulder.”
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