WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold step toward what party leaders are calling “linguistic inclusivity,” congressional Democrats have introduced a proposal to officially rename all “ballrooms” in federal buildings to “ovary rooms.”
The “Gendered Architecture Reform Act,” spearheaded by Rep. Alexandria Ova-Cortez (D-NY), claims the traditional term “ballroom” unfairly centers one set of reproductive anatomy.
“For centuries, Americans have danced under chandeliers in rooms named after testicles,” Ova-Cortez said in a press conference. “It’s time to let other organs have their moment.”
The proposed legislation includes a $4.2 billion federal grant to help hotels and event venues across the country update their signage, menus, and embroidered towels. The Waldorf Astoria has already announced its newly christened “Grand Ovary Hall,” featuring pastel drapery and mood lighting “that encourages emotional openness and reproductive justice.”
Republicans have largely mocked the proposal, calling it “political correctness gone fetal.” Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) remarked, “Next thing you know, they’ll rename the Pentagon the Hexagon of Feelings.”
The White House has yet to issue an official statement, but an anonymous source confirmed that the President has been advised not to joke about “having a ball” ever again.
Meanwhile, the National Association of Wedding DJs expressed cautious optimism. “Honestly,” one DJ said, “as long as people keep dancing and tipping, they can call it the Spleen Room for all I care.”
BRETTON WOODS, NH — Former President Donald J. Trump arrived in New Hampshire on Wednesday to announce what he called his “most important, most historically significant, most luxurious acquisition since the last one”: his plan to buy the Omni Mount Washington Resort.
Wearing a red ski jacket last seen in a 1987 VHS tape, Trump addressed a crowd of reporters, confused tourists, and two men who appeared to be lost snowmobilers.
“This was once the greatest hotel in the world,” Trump proclaimed, gesturing heroically at the resort. “It was incredible, magnificent, very classy. Then the state Democrats came in—people like Goodlander—and boom, the place goes downhill. And not the skiing kind of downhill. The bad kind.”
Political observers noted that Trump did not specify what Maggie Goodlander had done to the building, the foundation, the ski lifts, or the wallpaper. When asked, he simply waved his hand and said:
“Everyone knows. Believe me.”
Trump Claims the Old Man of the Mountain Was “Victim of Left-Wing Rock Weakening”
In a surprise twist even by Trumpian standards, the former president also blamed Democrats for the collapse of the Old Man of the Mountain, the beloved granite profile that fell in 2003.
“The Old Man didn’t just fall,” Trump insisted. “He was weakened by years of crazy left policies. Tremendous pressure. Tremendous erosion. Some say Maggie Goodlander herself walked by it once. Who knows? Could’ve been enough.”
Geologists across the region responded by collectively staring into space for several minutes before quietly walking away.
Trump’s Renovation Plan: “Bigger, Better, More Gold, Very Historic”
According to documents shown briefly to the press—most written in thick black Sharpie—Trump’s proposed upgrades include:
• a 45-foot-tall gold replica of the Old Man of the Mountain (“This one will not fall. I guarantee it.”)
• converting the lobby into the Bretton Woods Freedom Financial Center & Gift Emporium
• installing a Trump-branded ski gondola that plays “Hail to the Chief” on loop
• renaming the property the “Trump Mount Washington American Greatness Resort”
Trump also promised to revive the spirit of the historic 1944 Bretton Woods Conference:
“We’re going to host a new summit—much more successful than the original, which frankly was very flawed. This time the world’s best leaders will come, and they’ll stay in suites with gold hot tubs. Gold is very stabilizing for the global economy.”
Omni Hotel Group Responds
Reached for comment, an Omni spokesperson sighed audibly before saying:
“We are not selling the resort. Please, please stop asking us.”
Sources say Omni has received at least 14 emails from Trump personally, all containing subject lines such as “Deal of the Century” and “Let’s Get This Beautiful Transaction Done!!!”
Local Reaction: Enthusiasm, Confusion, and Mild Fear
A local resident expressed cautious optimism:
“If he brings back the Old Man of the Mountain, I guess that’s something?”
Another hiker worried Trump might “replace the entire Presidential Range with statues of himself giving a thumbs-up.”
Meanwhile, Bretton Woods employees are preparing for the possibility of a sudden, unexpected renaming of the ski trails to things like “Very Strong Mountain,” “Fake News Ridge,” and “Goodlander’s Fault.”
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