Breaking News: Trump Announces Purchase of Merrimack Budweiser Plant
MERRIMACK, N.H. — Standing beneath a banner that read MAKE LAGER GREAT AGAIN, former President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he has purchased the Budweiser plant in Merrimack, New Hampshire, and will relaunch it as a new operation called Patriotic Ale, which he described as “the most American beer ever brewed, maybe in history.” According to Trump, the brewery will feature “the finest ingredients known to freedom,” including hops, barley, and what he called “an extremely motivated workforce,” reportedly consisting of ICE detainees participating in what company literature describes as a “voluntary, morale-forward work opportunity.” “They’re thrilled,” Trump said, gesturing toward the plant. “Nobody loves America more than people who really want to stay here. Tremendous enthusiasm. You can taste it in the foam.” The announcement came after Trump criticized Budweiser for being “too woke, too watery, and frankly not respectful enough to bald eagles,” adding that Patriotic Ale would be brewed “the old-fashioned way, with strength, discipline, and a lot of yelling.” A Beer With Values (Printed Very Small on the Can) Marketing materials show Patriotic Ale packaged in red, white, and blue cans featuring an eagle, a flag, and Trump giving a thumbs-up while standing on a pile of imported beers labeled “GLOBALISM.” The beer’s slogan: “Brewed Domestic. Extremely Domestic.” A spokesperson for the new company said the workforce program would provide detainees with “valuable job skills,” including bottling, labeling, and learning how to nod during speeches about tariffs. “They’re gaining experience in a fast-growing industry,” the spokesperson said. “Also, there’s a softball league.” Reactions Pour In Local officials expressed confusion over how the sale happened so quickly. “We thought he was touring the facility,” said one town council member. “Next thing we know, the sign’s changed and there’s a cannon firing off every time a keg rolls out.” Immigration advocates criticized the announcement, while supporters praised it as “efficient” and “somehow still cheaper than automation.” On social media, reactions were divided. Fans hailed Patriotic Ale as “finally, a beer that hates the same things I do,” while critics questioned whether the beer would be drinkable. Trump dismissed the concerns. “Everyone said it couldn’t be done,” he said. “They said, ‘Sir, you can’t just buy a brewery and rebrand it overnight.’ But we did it. And the beer? Ice cold. Just like the border.” The first batch of Patriotic Ale is expected to hit shelves next month, just in time for summer barbecues, Fourth of July celebrations, and awkward family arguments that begin with, “It’s just a beer—why are you so mad?”
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